I was six years old when I first experienced sexual violence at the hands of a man. I say man on purpose because, while women can also be sexual perpetrators, we aren’t ready to have that conversation yet. As you can imagine, that experience left me with a deep fear of men. Over time, I have developed what I call my “special gift” the ability to sense a sexual predator. This gift helps me navigate life without living in a constant state of panic.
Eighteen years ago, I worked in an office with eight men, which meant I would often find myself alone with one of them. Eventually, another woman joined us, but for a while, it was just me and the men. To my surprise, this experience healed me to my core. I have never felt safer, more protected, respected, or cared for. These men, in their own unique way, unknowingly healed me. Over the years, I have met many men who would protect me with their lives, including my husband and my brothers.
This is why I have never bought into the narrative that all men are bad or that they should be painted with the same brush. And trust me, I have been hurt by the worst of them in ways that, but for the grace of God, I wouldn’t have recovered from.
Because of my experiences, I often wonder why men don’t engage more in the conversation around gender-based violence (GBV). Here is my view, which I will expand on next week.
When the conversation starts with “all men” being part of the problem, many men feel defensive. They might feel personally attacked or unfairly grouped with perpetrators simply because of their gender. You might argue that this is a silly reason for them not to get involved, but let’s be honest, how many of us engage in conversations where we are already being painted as bad or guilty? None of us would stay in a situation like that, taking an emotional beating. This is often what happens to men in discussions around GBV they feel blamed and demonised.
As a result, many men withdraw. They don’t feel like they can participate in the conversation because it seems like they are being unfairly accused. And when that happens, they do what we all do in situations like this: we get angry, resentful, shut down, or, at worst, reject the topic entirely. They feel as though the conversation is about blaming them, and they are rightfully frustrated.
If men are continuously labelled as perpetrators or oppressors in conversations about GBV, many may feel alienated from discussions about gender equality. They might feel these discussions leave no space for them to be allies, or worse, that their involvement would be seen as insincere or hypocritical. This fosters a sense of marginalisation, where men feel like they have no place in these important conversations about societal change.
When men are excluded or made to feel guilty simply for their gender, it reinforces the idea that these issues are solely women’s issues. This deepens the division between us, creating an us vs. them mentality. As a result, we fail to work together or make any real progress. We need to create an inclusive movement where all genders collaborate to address the root causes of GBV.
That’s all for today. Please share your thoughts on Part 1.
With love, Sandra B
Your Resilience Expert.
