Conflict is something I don’t particularly enjoy. I do not go out of my way to seek it, but I also don’t avoid it. What I do believe is that conflict is necessary for any relationship, whether it’s in marriage, friendships, parenting, or any important connection. How conflict is handled and how repair happens after is crucial.

I have witnessed firsthand how my parents handled, or didn’t handle conflict. Unfortunately, I carried that model with me into adulthood, and all I can say is there was a lot of unlearning to do. Conflict, whether we like it or not, is inevitable in all areas of life. That is why it’s so surprising that we’re not taught how to deal with it in schools.

For a long time, conflict threatened both my internal and external sense of safety. Whenever a conflict would arise, I felt unsafe, and my immediate reaction was to freak out. But one day, I asked myself: What if I approached conflict with curiosity? What if, instead of seeing it as something threatening, I saw it as an opportunity to learn? What if I could be like a scientist, exploring what I could discover about myself and the other person? What if I assumed that both of us wanted the same thing, and we just needed to find our way to it? In other words, what if it were us against the issue, not us against each other?

I still get it wrong sometimes, but here is what I have learned so far:

Start with Curiosity: Instead of immediately defending myself because I feel attacked or misunderstood, I ask questions. My husband is a great example of this. He is able to set his ego aside to understand the other person’s point of view. He often says something like, “I can see that you’re upset. Could you tell me more so I can understand?” This approach requires emotional maturity, courage, and humility. Asking questions with curiosity removes the barriers we create when we feel threatened. It sends the message: I don’t want to fight you. I want to understand so we can fix this together.

See it as a Learning Opportunity: Conflict is an opportunity to learn about myself and the other person. It is a chance to understand deeper emotions, unmet needs, or differing perspectives. Instead of focusing solely on the outcome, I look for lessons in the conversation.

Empathy: It is hard to judge someone when you have deep empathy for them. Curiosity encourages empathy, allowing you to listen with the intention of seeing the world through their eyes. This brings compassion. When you listen with empathy, you stop hearing just words; you hear the person behind those words.

Decrease Assumptions and Misunderstandings: Often, conflicts arise because of assumptions we make about each other’s intentions. But when we approach conflict with curiosity, we are more inclined to ask questions with care and understanding. This creates clarity and helps avoid misunderstandings. The goal is not always to agree, but to validate the other person’s pain, offer empathy, show compassion, and resist the temptation to judge or “win” the argument.

Collaboration and Compromise: Curiosity opens the door to collaboration and brainstorming. It helps find creative solutions and compromises. When we remain adaptable and acknowledge that we might be wrong, we create opportunities for growth. It’s about moving forward together.

When you approach conflict with curiosity, the experience shifts from a battleground to us having the same enemy, the issue at hand. Conflict no longer feels like a negative experience but becomes a chance to build stronger connections, better understanding, and resilience.

So, the next time conflict arises, instead of reacting defensively, ask yourself: What can I learn here? Approach it with curiosity, and watch the dynamics change.

With love,
Sandra B

Your Resilience Expert