My parents have taught me valuable lessons on adaptability. When we arrived in South Africa, my father was in his late forties, and my mother was in her late thirties. They had spent many years traveling with five children, the youngest being three and the oldest fifteen. Additionally, they had spent nearly three years in a refugee camp in Malawi.
While my parents are not traditional Congolese parents, they were still traditional in certain ways. I once asked my mother how she felt about some of the things we were involved in, and how we sometimes didn’t give them a choice but to join us. Her response was profound: she explained that they quickly realized they had two choices: either to lose their children, who had quickly assimilated to South African culture, or to hold on to their “traditional Congolese” beliefs and risk losing us. They chose to adapt to our lives while instilling those values, without forcing us to choose between our heritage and the culture we were living in.
That was the most resilient statement I have ever heard, and trust me, my parents are the most resilient people I know.
Allow me to share my insights on their adaptability. You see, when one refuses to adapt, you end up losing both the past and the present.
Adaptive Thinking: My parents were able to adapt their thinking and parenting strategies when faced with new information and situations. It required them to be open-minded and find creative ways to parent without losing their values or their children. They allowed themselves to embrace new perspectives and approach challenges in ways they hadn’t considered before.
Emotional Resilience: Now that I am a parent, I have gained a new insight into the level of emotional resilience my parents had to practice. I sometimes find myself overreacting to my teenage daughter’s behaviour as she tries to establish her own identity apart from me. My parents had to do this with five children! They didn’t do it perfectly, but they quickly learned to manage their emotional responses to the constant challenges of raising five traumatised children who had lost more than just their home. All the while, they were dealing with their own traumas. Emotional resilience requires you to maintain emotional balance and not allow your emotions to overpower you.
Adaptability is not only a survival mechanism but also a pathway to personal growth, connection, and thriving in new environments.
Behavioural Adaptability: We grew up in Durban, and back then (I’m not sure about now), there was always a party on Florida Road on New Year’s Eve. Often, we didn’t have money for things like that. However, as a family, we loved music and dancing. My parents had two choices: they could say no, that we couldn’t go out on the street to dance, or they could join us in the fun. They made a conscious decision to join in, adapting their habits, actions, and behaviour to respond to the circumstances. They didn’t complain they simply adapted and used new strategies to stay part of our stories.
Learning from New Experiences: My mother is the epitome of adaptability and learning from new experiences. For her 50th birthday, she went ice skating and was covered in bruises for weeks, but she loved it! On another birthday, one of my brothers took her out drinking, and she drank too much whisky. She woke up the next morning bragging about her “rite of passage.” On another occasion, she went to a rave party with one of my siblings. At 60 years old, she decided to get her driver’s license. You see, my mother has learned from past experiences that life can change quickly, and everything you know and love can be lost in an instant. She applies those lessons to new situations, reflecting on the past and extracting valuable insights, without letting the past get in the way of the present or future.
Adaptability is a trait we need in every area of our lives. Our thriving and survival depend on it.
Adaptability is not only a survival mechanism but also a pathway to personal growth, connection, and thriving in new environments. It is important to make intentional choices to stay engaged with life and family, even in the face of overwhelming challenges.
With Love, Sandra B
Your Resilience Expert
